Decisions

After a week and a half of being in Utah with my family, I am finally home. Charlie was so excited to be "in my home!" Watching her rediscover all her toys, connect with her memories, it made me so sad.

This home holds so many good memories... and now, so many bad ones. Every picture of "us" makes my heart break. I so desperately miss him. I miss us. I miss our family.

I thought I was ready to be back. Now, I just don't know for sure.

I have bills to wade through, decisions to make, numbers to crunch.

I don't even think this can be "my home" for much longer. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that my daughter is losing every semblance of normal, that HER entire life is being turned upside down in all of this.

He was here when we were gone. He came by to get some stuff... clothes, movies, books.

The book that she gave him for his birthday was gone. The journals that sat right beside it, the ones I had been keeping for years before we got married, the ones that I gave to him and read to him by the fireplace on our wedding night, they are still here.

My heart is breaking. His decision has seemingly been made.

And my decisions are just beginning...

I don't know how I am going to make it through.