Line Please...

I suppose it is rare when I am at a loss for words. I am pretty sure most people don't see me having that issue very often. But I am getting to the point where I really just don't know what to say.

What am I supposed to say when people ask me where he is? What am I supposed to say about him going? How much do I disclose? What do I say when the kids who idolized him as their fun-loving Sunday school teacher ask where he has been? What do I say when old friends or former client inquire as to how things are going with us, with the business that we worked so hard to create?

And, worst of all, what am I supposed to say to Charlie? What do I tell her about where daddy is and why he has gone? How do I protect her in all of this? I feel like I have been left to fend for myself and no answer is a good answer. Nothing seems to come out right. No answer is sufficient. How do you compensate or try to minimize someone else's selfish decision, especially when it is hurting the one person that is a living, breathing manifestation of your heart?

In the end, the reality is that he has chosen a life different from the one that we had. He has chosen a world without US in it. He wants to still be her dad, he wants to be involved in her life, but how do you really DO that without being there for her all the time? How do you separate your daily life from this little person that is so much a part of you? How do you explain that you still want to be there for her when you have already spoken to the contrary with your actions? How do expect her, at two-years-old, to understand the disconnect between what you say and how you act?

Sadly, I know that she doesn't. I can feel it in her. I sense her anxiety. I feel her cling to me. I know her fear. I experience her rejection in all of this. Although she can't really articulate it, I know she is sad. I know she is scared. I know she is confused. I know she misses him. I know she expects that, at some point, her life will go back to the way it was, safe and predictable. I know because I am her mom. And it makes me so incredibly sad.

I wish I knew what I was supposed to say. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I were given some script on how to handle it, how to make her see that this isn't her fault at all.

All I can do is tell her what I know, that I love her unconditionally. And I am never going to leave her.