A new year, a new you... cliched but true. But this year, it isn't about taking on a new diet plan or striving to eat healthy. No, this year is far different. This year, I am learning to embrace a new start. A start that I really never wanted. I am realizing that sometimes we don't get a say in the path we have to travel, the life we have to live.
This year I learn to live in faith.
I learn to live without my husband.
One week ago today, the other shoe finally dropped. He just can't "do it" anymore.
I was angry. I was hurt. I was disappointed and, for the first time in a very LONG time, feeling completely and utterly alone.
I don't know what to do with the pain. I don't know how to repair it... it is killing the "fixer" in me.
I could point the finger. I could choose to see that there is a long list of things HE needs to change or that he did to hurt me. But instead, I choose to see my part. I take responsibility for some of this. I have failed him. I have "missed" him. I have not been a perfect wife. Sometimes not even a good wife. But I love him.
We failed each other. We didn't pursue the mess. We let opportunities for truth, pain and eventually growth slip through the cracks. We left God in the foyer of our marriage. We didn't invite him in all the way. We never truly learned what real love looks like, not the warm, fuzzy kind of love that you experience in the first months of dating someone, but the love that sees the mess, that sees the ugliness and loves in spite. The love that forgives, the love that extends grace, the love we experience in Him.
I am crying out, I am desperate. I want restitution. REDEMPTION. I know I serve a God whose story is just that.
So now, I wait. I wait in FAITH that he will do his mighty work. That he will fix my brokenness, Will's brokenness, my daughter's brokenness. I trust that, in the midst of the pain, there is growth to be had. In the midst of the pain He is there and that my story continues... His story continues in me.
I am learning, very, very, very slowly, to live in faith. It is all I seem to have right now.
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Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI came from Sarah Markley's website...may God give you all the grace you need to get through this storm in your life. Thank you for writing- reading this today helped me realize that my storm is really only a slight rain shower and that I need to be grateful for all my blessings. I hope you can keep fighting for your marriage and the man you love- if possible!
Laurissa
Jess...you write beautifully about really hard things...I too LOVE Sarah Markley's website. I find your blog inspiring and convicting.. It is too easy to point the finger at my spouse and say it's his fault, but I too "have not been a perfect wife. Sometimes not even a good wife. But I love him." My dad toasted to God's faithfulness at our wedding, I don't know if you remember...but I cling to his words now and verses of Gods faithfulness!
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