12 Steps

I have never been to rehab or a 12-step program but I think I do know that the first step is admitting that you have a problem. So, I suppose it is confession time. I have a problem. To be frank, I have a lot of problems.

Here it is: I am far, far from perfect. I can look back on my life and point out several occasions where I wish that I had done things differently. I wish that I had made better choices. More than that, I wish I had been an all together better person. I wish that I had more strength, more conviction, more fortitude. I wish I had been more generous, more patient, more honest. I wish I were able to think with a sense of perspective, even then. I wish I could be in those moments where I have a second or two to determine my reaction, to process my emotions and take those precious, fleeting seconds to make good choices.

Instead, I have failed so often. I have hurt people. I am more aware of my flaws than ever. I am aware of how I miss the mark, and I am dreadfully saddened by it. I guess I feel the need to make peace with all of those in my life that I have hurt. Chances are, if you are reading this, you are probably one of those people.

I feel like I could spend days, weeks, months trying to make restitution (is that part of a 12 step program too?) but I think, at this point, I am not even sure where to begin. So, here it is, my desire to make things right. My ache to apologize, to take ownership for the pain that I have caused others is laid out all right here.

In truth, I am a pretty terrible person. I have gossiped. I have envied. I have been proud. I have lied. I have cheated. I have been judgmental. I have hated. I have coveted. I have given in to my anger. I have lashed out. I have sought revenge. I have wounded and cut down with my words. I have ignored. I have withheld. I have rejoiced in misfortunes and been jealous of people's success. I have been stubborn, sarcastic and cynical. Sometimes, I have been downright mean. I have used people for my own personal gain, neglected people that mean the world to me and ignored those that God has called me to love, due purely to my own selfishness.

I probably missed a lot of things in all of that, but it is a start, I guess. For those of you that found yourself reading this paragraph and associating "Jessica" with those wrongs, I am so incredibly and deeply sorry. I am sorry for allowing my brokenness to affect you. The odds are, you are probably deeply important to me. That seems to be how I operate though. I often do hurt the people that I most care about.

So, if I had a time machine, would I go back and do it all differently? The sad reality is that I just don't know. I hate that I have hurt people. I hate that I have been fake or hypocritical. I hate that I have misrepresented Jesus to others. I hate that I have let you (and the many others that I love and care about so deeply) down.

But I am starting to see my pain, yes, even my own failures, as places of growth in my life. As much as I can see different ways that I have associated with the list above, I also see how those things do not make up the person that I want to be. They are not the sum of me. They do not define me. But they are places where I can look back and see how much God has changed me. They indicate places of change, of growth. They are markers of the person I don't want to be versus the person I am on the way to becoming.

I can see now how I have learned from my own screw ups. Experiencing my own brokenness and seeing how I have hurt others and even myself allows me to see that I am, indeed, not perfect. I am not God. I don't have this all figured out. It has helped me to see that I do have a true need for a savior. Without Him, I am just this list of failures. With Him, however, I am a little better than I was the day before. With Him, I have hope that I can be a better person.

So, I am trying to be grateful for my failures. I am trying to see how God can redeem them. I am hopeful that I can continue to look back and see how God has changed me, how I am growing and how dependent I am on Him to keep moving on this trajectory.