What to do with this anger...

I am trying desperately not to be consumed, but I cannot deny that I am ANGRY. I know that anger only escalates things. But I am so very angry and I don't know how I am supposed to handle it all.

I want to find her. I want to confront her. I want her to SEE and EXPERIENCE what she has done to my family, to my daughter. I want her to know that she is making a mess of all of our lives. I feel like I have to show HER all of this because HE doesn't seem to care. Of course, to him it is not about her at all. To him, it is all me, all my fault. And it doesn't matter how much I own any of this. It doesn't matter how many times I apologize. His heart already belongs to someone else.

It is shockingly sad to me that he can be here, an unexpected visitor, see how different Charlie is, how she acts out, how clingy she is, how she misses him but is clearly afraid to trust him, and not be impacted by that.

I spent the better half of the night on Saturday night pleading, begging, literally on my knees, for him to reconsider, for him to stay, for him to see the pain he is causing us, to turn back to Jesus, to me. It was as if I was talking to a wall. He says over and over that he just can't. He can't do it. He is physically incapable of it. He is completely unable to come back. Too much anger, too much hurt. Not enough faith.

That is what most confuses me. How can you claim to be a man of faith when you cannot even believe in God's redemptive work? Isn't that the whole story of God? I feel like we know or have heard of far too many couples who have experienced deep pain and betrayal in their marriages and yet God is able to salvage them. He is able to create an even better, more beautiful marriage from the depths of the mess. I so truly believe in that. I believe that God can do the things that we are unable to do, that he can stand in the gap for us. But Will apparently doesn't believe that. If he does, he doesn't want it to apply to US.

He says there is no "us." It is like a knife to the heart. He is convinced that there was more bad than good in our marriage. He says that all of our marriage was him just TRYING to feel it, not actually feeling it. It makes me wonder how much of my life has been a complete lie. But I refuse to believe that. I know what we had. I know it was real. He loved me... deeply. And I loved him. I cannot let the lies that he is buying become lies that I begin to believe too.

Yes we often missed the mark. Yes, we have failed each other in many different ways. But that doesn't mean things were always bad, certainly not bad enough to walk out on everything we had.

The reality is that I know he probably CAN'T come back to me. He CAN'T forgive or move forward or see the beauty of what could be if we could reconnect as a family. But I am not asking him to do this alone. I know that if he allowed God back into his life, back into our marriage, that we could most certainly find joy, intimacy and happiness in our marriage. But it is not possible without divine intervention.

God has commanded him to love me the way Jesus loved the church, meaning complete sacrifice and unconditional love. I don't think God was crazy when he said this. I am pretty sure that He recognized that we are NOT God and we are not perfect. I am also fairly certain that he knew these times would come, when we just do not feel like loving each other, when we get angry, feel resentful, tear each other down, hurt one another. But he calls us to do it anyway. And we probably CAN'T do it on our own. But God can. God can love people through us. He can change our own hearts to look more and more like his heart. He can teach us how to love in spite of rather than because.

But Will doesn't want that. He doesn't even want to try. He won't even pray and ask God to change his heart toward me. And it makes me sad. It makes me hurt. It makes me feel like I am dying inside, and my anger, my bitterness, my rage take over. I realize on some level that it is one of those things that only God will be able to help me control. My anger has to belong to God and not to me. I have to ask him to do what I am incapable of right now. I have to let go of this anger. That is all I can do.