Lonely

I think we need a roommate... or a puppy. Not sure which one would be less work. :)

I have just had these moments lately where I feel quite lonely. Tonight, I made dinner at home and then sat at the table, just me and Charlie. I think that is the first time that has happened since Will officially left. It was certainly not the first time we had ever sat alone at the table together, but tonight it just felt empty. I asked her lots of questions about her day and what she did with Aunt Lisa but there is only so much you can really talk about with a 2-and-a-half-year-old.

After dinner and our minimal conversation, I cleaned up the kitchen and finished putting our newly decorated Valentine's cookies away. (Charlie is an expert at the "frinkles"). And in those moments of washing dishes and being tugged on by little hands that "need me," I began to wonder how it is exactly I am supposed to do all of this on my own. How do I attend to her constantly? How do I make the time to play with her and love on her and make her dinner and bathe her and do her laundry and fit in my job with all of that? I guess it isn't anything I haven't been doing for the past several months as Will drifted farther and farther away from us, but now it feels more daunting, more consuming and certainly a lot more lonely.

How am I supposed to do it alone? The answer to that is pretty simple. I'm not. I'm not supposed to do this alone. This wasn't in God's design for family and it wasn't in his plans for us. But we don't always follow God's plan and then we find ourselves here, wondering how to fix the mess we or others have created. I am not SUPPOSED to do this alone. I am supposed to have a teammate, a husband who is there to do it with me. But instead, I find that I am relying on friends and family and my community to get me through. Their love and support have been amazing and have had a significant impact on my ability to rebound just a little bit everyday. From feeding me, to entertaining me, to praying for me, I can see how God is using His people to become real to me right now in a very tangible way. Some of it is such unexpected generosity that I hardly know what to do with my gratitude. I am so incredibly blessed.

Sadly, there is still that window of lonliness. Waking up first thing in the morning without kisses, chatting for hours about our day before falling asleep in his arms, quiet times of respite when he played with Charlie so I could do dishes in peace or read a chapter for class, having him here in at 6am so that I could attend a yoga class once a week at the community center, having a partner to come along side of me in ministry, I miss all of that and it sometimes makes me very, very lonely.

The reality is that neither a dog nor a roommate are really going to fix things here. So, I just keep leaning into God, reading Psalms, spending time in scripture, devouring books about God's grace and my place within his family. I know that is where he wants me, I know he can use this time to cultivate that dependence in me. But I pray that this cultivation doesn't require THAT much time. I hope that redemption comes soon, cause I really don't want to feel this lonliness for much longer.