Taking this to heart

I find myself using that phrase a lot... I am going to "take this to heart." It is one of those sayings that I often let slip into a conversation without really processing it.

In the midst of this pain that I am experiencing, I find that now, more than ever, I need to really learn how to take things to heart. I need to find a way to connect all the head knowledge that I have to my heart. I think I am hoping to find a shortcut. The problem is that it seems to be an awfully long road. That space between my head and my heart has never felt so distant.

I am a pretty logical person. I don't often get wrapped up in my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I can be emotional, I have been known to cry at a hallmark commercial or two, but I rarely let my emotions rule. In the rare instance when I find myself being driven by my feelings, my analytical side usually kicks in pretty quickly and brings me back to my senses. That is probably why I find it tough to get things from my head to my heart. I have spent many years short-circuiting the process.

Right now, I KNOW a lot of things. I KNOW that God loves me. I KNOW that he would never abandon me. I KNOW that he can use all things for good. I KNOW that he has a plan to redeem not only me but also my miserable situation. I KNOW that he cares for my daughter much more than I ever could. I KNOW that he has a plan for her too. I KNOW that I am loved. I KNOW that I am worthy of love, that I am a good and decent person who is a daughter of the King. I KNOW that I have value in him.

But I am sorry if I just don't FEEL all that right now. Right now I FEEL abandoned and lonely. I FEEL left in my despair. I FEEL like nothing good could come of this situation. I FEEL like my daughter has been left hanging. I FEEL unlovable, disposable. I FEEL unworthy. I FEEL like garbage.

I want to feel in my heart all those things that I know in my head.

I just don't know how to get there. I want to feel it, experience it, revel in it all... but I can't. I am just not there yet. I know someday I will be. I know someday I will look back and SEE it all, FEEL it all. But that day is not today. It probably won't be tomorrow, maybe not even a year from now.

But I do recognize that my feelings are not what dictates the reality of all of this. Those things I KNOW, they are truth. The things I FEEL, they are not. So, every day, I just try a little harder to move those short 12 inches from my head to my heart. Someday, my heart will finally take it.